You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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