Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
