Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
