I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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