Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
