I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
