I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
