If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
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I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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