I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You are the jesus of drinking
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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