i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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