Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
