Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
