hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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