4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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