Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
