The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
