im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
