I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
