i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
