I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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