I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Randomize
