Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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