Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
