Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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