Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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