Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
