Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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