i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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