Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The adults are the big ones right?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
