I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
