Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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