once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
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You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
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I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.