I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
