thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
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There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
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I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.