I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Randomize
