You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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