my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My breath smells like gin and sadness
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
