I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
