We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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