Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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