I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
What drink are we having for lunch?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
