Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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