Apparently you make a good broom.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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