last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
