i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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