i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
