If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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