i want to swaddle you in tequila
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
