I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
