good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
