there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
