Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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