Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
