do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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