Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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