I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
