The maid of honor just puked.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
