Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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