we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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