the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
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btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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